Monday, March 15, 2010

Day 4

Hey,
Today in class we talked about the places that we feel connected to. It made me think about the past, about my past. About little me. I have been so focused lately on the future. On what is to come, what will be that I took no time to remember where I came from what has led me to this point. Sankofa has not been in full affect lately (Sankofa- one must return to the past in order to move forward)    
     I remember when the house was Grandma's when I could smell the food cooking and feel the sun on my face before I walked in the door. The heavy door was open and the screen door was unlocked. Someone was constantly coming in and out of the house. Granddaddy was sitting on the porch. I can hear his laugh and feel his kiss on my cheek. Hey Scootie he would say. And he would just relax. Everyone would just relax. It is summer time. I walk in the house and Judy and hope are sitting on the couch and talking. Big smiles or hushed voices, kids  run through the house. Before I can make it to the back with the kitchen, Grandma and Jan I am attacked by Jason and Jordan. We we so happy to see each other.Uncle Ricky must be upstairs. My mom ushers me past to speak to my grandmother. I hug her. I can feel her hug not my little body pressed against hers. Soft hair in my face. I smell her, Giorgio Armani, smoke and linen. and the pretty smile that I took for granted as I hugged my aunt and ran outside to the back yard.  
I call them Grandmother, grandfather, aunt and uncle now. They were grandma granddaddy Ricky Hope Judy Jan. They are still now but it is different. I was different. I was young and could not, would not think past the very action i was committing at the very moment i was committing it. Now, I have to worry about school, money, life. Richard is upset with me. and probably for good reason. I string him along and expect him to be ok with it. I want him in my life. Yes, I am selfish, spoiled, and willful. I want him in my life how I want him. And I will have him. I have the hardest time moving on. I wish I could just keep it pushing like others I know. But I loved him, and apparently love does not end. but i'll keep using past tense until I remember that it is in the present too. 

Bye.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Day 3

Hello Dahling!
I had a photoshoot today. I am an aspiring model! I want to change people's lives through fashion and my amazing poses. Hahaha. Really I just like to take pictures.The shoot was from 8-11 which was interesting because I have not woken up before 10 sine the 10th grade. So that was quite the experience. Now I am sitting in the library chillin, thinking about richard, i almost just called him my love. wow. tonight i'm getting drunk,wasted,all that and theen richard is picking me up in the morning for a bed and breakfast (at his place lol) we r going to spend the day together and then go see Jay-Z. I'm EXCITED. SO lets talk about Richard, I don;t know how I feel about this man. He was terrible when we were together. But i am so comfortable with him, so safe, and I do have feelings for him. He is alluring now, he has a car a place and money out of his ass. I love the way he smells so good, and how he can be in bed. I am bossy spoiled and probably a little bratty in everyday life. I have a good reputation and I'm and quite the lady. But I do love whe  he takes control. when he holds my arms over my head and kisses me or trails his tounge down my body. I'm getting chills now. I can't wait for tomorrow. I am being told I am using him. He buys me things, we have sex, we talk all the time. To me it is best friends with many benefits. But I know he loves me. He wants to marry me. I don't know how much I am opposed to that. But right now? I'm 19. I want to play! Is it using if he gets what he wnts and me the same. He wants to hold me I want him to hold me. Its a symbiotic relationship with a few unsavory details. I hope he doesn't get hurt. It is hard being honest with yourself sometimes. Lies like to live in my pocket.

g2g

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Day 2

Hey,
I'm sitting in my room. It looks terrible and I need to clean it immediately but I'm going to take a shower and I have been trying to give myself a manicure for an hour now. I'm going to put on clear and be done in a minute. I need to unpack. I need to finish my project, tonight may be an all-nighter for this project and I really do not care. I went to target today and it was one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life. I took the bus by myself, which was not overwhelming I do that a sometimes. But, I got off at the wrong stop and had to walk to target, in "cloudy town" which is not as bad as Detroit but damn close, especially when you are alone. So I walked about 15 minutes to Target. whenever I come across a big street I always feel like it is me against the cars, I've won every time so far. Hopefully it stays that way. But this was not the overwhelming part. In target I needed makeup and clothes. I was going to spend 50 dollars and be in and out in a half hour. I was there for and HOUR AND A HALF and I spent 115 dollars. My mom is going to kill me. whatever. I got some make up and a skirt. I don't know where that money went. I feel like I am boring. I bought tickets to see Wale today. EXCITED. and I am going to see Jay-Z Sunday with my ex. Even more excited. I love Shawn Corey Carter. Richard is a sweetheart for still wanting me to come. and he bought me a shirt YES!!!! I cut my hair and wet it. I'm going to wash it now. I'm about to shave and exfoliate and other things. I get so horny when I'm on my period, I don't understand it at all. I SWEAR if I had less morals and ethics I would go sleep with the guy down the hall...next week. I just want to see what it is like. I don't think it will happen though. I need a level of trust and comfort to sleep with someone. That brings me back to Richard. Who I will be putting it on something fierce Sunday.

Talk to you tomorrow

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I forgot to Introduce myself

Hello,
So I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Chris. I attend the University of Michigan. I'm 19. I'm from detroit. I'm going into secondary education, english, because I think it is important and it will pay the bills and hopefully be rewarding, fun, or something. I'm writer at heart, in mind, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. My life is a story not a movie do not watch me, read every passage and find yourself inundated in my laughter and my tears, be bored with me and excited with me. Feel me, do not see me. I have a sister she is four and I love her more than anyone except my mother. I hate calling her mother it is so formal, I only do it when I am upset, or introducing as I am now. Her name is baby. My mom is Holly. She looks like a Holly, pretty and happy. I have a dad of course. Honestly if there was a ranking my granddaddy would be my daddy (he did it all) my step-father would be my father (he provides) and my father would be my uncle (he does nothing, but he talks like he does a lot and he buys me something small every few months). Actually I think that is insulting to my uncles. He would be a distant family friend. I can hear the beat and rhythm in everything. My grandma is Josephine Baker. I do not really know what to say about her. I told her things and she listened. She taught me things and apparently made me grow on greens and cornbread. I'm doing a project for english now. It is boring, this is unfortunate since I need this class and someone I teach this information probably will need it to. Maroon 5 is playing.

Goodbye

Day 1

Hello,
As much as i dislike Mrs.Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, well I suppose that is not a fair assessment since I have only read 30 pages. Anyway I relate to the idea of a moment in time, a day in the life, i get it. Or i feel that I do. So why not run with it. For all intents and purposes I am fake and real. Some names in this blog will be changed some won't. I hope I keep writing, i tend to get bored with everything and everyone at some point. And it is getting harder and harder for me to hide it. I could hide my feelings so well when I was young. I need to get that back. Wouldn't it be funny if this was turned into a book or novel or something. Speaking of novels I will be writing one very soon. It will be about my grandmother. I miss her, I could feel myself hug her the other day. A few months ago she told me something but I cannot remember what it was. It had something to do with Richard. Oh Richard, I hope he still loves me. I don't love him like I did,or do. I'm not sure. But if he would keep loving me that would be great. He was my best friend and still is in some ways. I hate breaking his heart but I cannot deal with him most times. When he is funny and sweet and sarcastic and terrible I can never remember what childish or cruel or stupid thing he did before. I would say I forgive to easily but I don't, i simply forget. Unless the transgression is imprinted in my mind I will forget it. Don't let something bigger happen, it will be gone forever. but then in the midst of an argument 15 minutes into the conversation i will remember and yell at you for it. That is ONLY if it is something that has angered me. if you have hurt my feelings i can feel it like a coil wrapped around my heart and that will not go away will not be forgotten or forgiven until that coil is unraveled. for me to hate Mrs.Dalloway i sure have a stream of conscience going here.


goodbye