Day 4

Hey,

Today in class we talked about the places that we feel connected to. It made me think about the past, about my past. About little me. I have been so focused lately on the future. On what is to come, what will be that I took no time to remember where I came from what has led me to this point. Sankofa has not been in full affect lately (Sankofa- one must return to the past in order to move forward)    

     I remember when the house was Grandma's when I could smell the food cooking and feel the sun on my face before I walked in the door. The heavy door was open and the screen door was unlocked. Someone was constantly coming in and out of the house. Granddaddy was sitting on the porch. I can hear his laugh and feel his kiss on my cheek. Hey Scootie he would say. And he would just relax. Everyone would just relax. It is summer time. I walk in the house and Judy and hope are sitting on the couch and talking. Big smiles or hushed voices, kids  run through the house. Before I can make it to the back with the kitchen, Grandma and Jan I am attacked by Jason and Jordan. We we so happy to see each other.Uncle Ricky must be upstairs. My mom ushers me past to speak to my grandmother. I hug her. I can feel her hug not my little body pressed against hers. Soft hair in my face. I smell her, Giorgio Armani, smoke and linen. and the pretty smile that I took for granted as I hugged my aunt and ran outside to the back yard.  

I call them Grandmother, grandfather, aunt and uncle now. They were grandma granddaddy Ricky Hope Judy Jan. They are still now but it is different. I was different. I was young and could not, would not think past the very action i was committing at the very moment i was committing it. Now, I have to worry about school, money, life. Richard is upset with me. and probably for good reason. I string him along and expect him to be ok with it. I want him in my life. Yes, I am selfish, spoiled, and willful. I want him in my life how I want him. And I will have him. I have the hardest time moving on. I wish I could just keep it pushing like others I know. But I loved him, and apparently love does not end. but i'll keep using past tense until I remember that it is in the present too. 

Bye.